I’m 50 and I’m Fine!

Not to be too much of a cliche, but turning 50 definitely hit the self-reflection button in a big way. The build-up began several months before my birthday. The previous year was really hard, losing two very close family members (one entirely too soon and too young). Perhaps it is this confluence of loss and a “significant” birthday that has me thinking about my life. 

In my “day-job” we had our first team meeting in January and shared if we set goals, intentions, a word-of-the-year, or not, at the start of a new calendar year. I had not given this a lot of thought prior to the meeting so I did not have a filter when I said, “I’ve tried those before and there are some things I like about them, but this year I say, f*** it, I’m good enough as I am!” Probably not the response you might expect from a life coach! But here’s the fuller story…

First, no disrespect for these practices and anyone who finds them helpful. For me, they felt inspiring at first and I tried to use them as a North Star rather than standard to aspire to. But inevitably, the practice of using them to guide me during the year would whither. And, although it was never my intention to use them this way, they always had an element of “self-improvement.” And that is what was behind my uncensored comment! I did follow up to say that I love learning and growth, but I am done trying to be a better version of myself. 

In addition to the death losses, the past year had my one and only child go off to college. While I am over the moon happy for him, this new chapter for him means the end of a chapter for me. I am no longer a mother in the same way I was before and I looooved being a mom in that way. At the same time, I suddenly have independence and time that I have not had for nearly 20 years. Here is another side stream, flowing into those of death losses and turning 50, carrying me into this new territory to explore and experience.

I don’t think that personal growth or goal-oriented changes have to be wrapped up with self-improvement. For me, the concept of self-improvement has the tinges of “you are not good enough as you are” to it and I don’t want to carry that on my journey any more. Conversely, letting go of self-improvement does not mean that one stops evolving. For me, I am really looking forward to a wide variety of learning and growth, like continuing to learn about and practice antiracism in all aspects of my life; and returning to a regular yoga practice; and answering the call to be of service to people in a new way; and diving deeper into the learning that accompanies this calling; and upping my DIY home improvement skills and knowledge; and so much more…like I said, I love learning and growing!

In a coaching class I took this fall, the instructor took us through an exercise to identify our “heart magnet” and finally found the North Star I had been looking for. I said my heart magnet is “to be'' in contrast to “to do.” A perpetual “doer” I realized I was weary of “doing” and needed to “be” in life. A friend recently brought this learning to a whole new level with this observation about himself, 

“I am the “being” me and I am the “doing” me. The change was recognizing the “ing” that they have in common. In recognizing the “ing” I transformed my life from the struggle of “er” to the flow of “ing”. I stopped being the doer and became the doing. I stopped being the teacher and became the teaching. I stopped being the singer and started singing. I didn’t stop doing or being yet I started living.” 

Much gratitude to you, Djeli Forchion!

A new year awaits…

January is the start of a new year and the month of my birthday. It has always been a time of new beginnings and reflection for me. This year it went BIG in this department and I am grateful. I feel at peace with what I have discovered. What reflections does the start of a new year bring to you? What is your new year? What will help you live your life most authentically, most joyously? I wish you well on that journey.